Report #2: Description of the handwritten
corrections
to Chapters Two and Three of the final
draft, with correlations
to the final book.
By Michael Levy, http://umbc.edu/~mlevy1
Here are the corrections of the final draft for Chapters 2
and 3. As before, the changes are mostly sentence polishing.
Also as before, there were numerous places in which words
had been crossed out so as to make them indecipherable, and
which I therefore could not include. Throughout the second
chapter, "Trewen" is replaced by "Trewe." Also, "Vaidro" is
occasionally typed as "Vaidor" and then hand corrected. I
have not included sentences where these corrections were
made, unless the sentence contained other corrections as
well.
Page 16, Chapter 2:
"`Still, I am restless; I feel that I have achieved nothing
and I must [?]'"
"`Still, I am restless; in all my life I have achieved
nothing.'"
Page 17, Chapter 2:
"Trewen made a gesture of [?]."
Line entirely eliminated.
Page 17, Chapter 2:
"`Cargus? Zochrey Cargus?' mused Trewen. "Where have I heard
that name? Bring him here.'"
"`Cargus? Zochrey Cargus?' mused Trewe. "Where have I heard
that name?'
`Cadmus off-Droad's mother was Cargus-ilk.'
`Well, bring him in; we'll find what he wants.'"
Page 20, Chapter 2:
"Perhaps Vaidro, his knowledgeable and somewhat mysterious
uncle, might offer a hint."
"Perhaps Vaidro, his somewhat mysterious uncle, might offer
a hint."
Page 20, Chapter 2:
"Vaidro, a somber man, compact and economical of movement,
came out to meet Jubal and conducted him to a terrace shaded
under a [?] vine burdened with [?] and flower bells." [or
possibly "flower balls." Neither makes much sense to me.]
"Vaidro, a somber man, compact and economical of movement,
came out to meet Jubal and conducted him to a shaded
terrace."
Page 20, Chapter 2:
"They sat in rustic wicker easy-chairs..."
"They sat in wicker easy-chairs..."
Page 22, Chapter 2:
"`In theory the idea has merit," said Vaidor. "Practice --
well, who knows?...'"
"`In theory the idea has merit," said Vaidro. "Practically -
- well, who knows?...'"
Page 24, Chapter 3:
"The hackman, glancing at him [?], saluted without
punctilio.
"The hackman saluted without punctilio."
Page 24, Chapter 3:
"...each revealing smoke-colored tracings of further
detail."
"...each in turn showing smoke-colored tracings of further
detail."
Page 25, Chapter 3:
"Jubal turned around a glance of outrage."
"Jubal turned a cold glare upon the man."
[This is a definite improvement, as the first version isn't
even grammatical, as far as I can tell.]
Page 25, Chapter 3:
"...a pair of narrow twelve-foot high doors, [?] with iron
rondels with flying snake motifs."
"...a pair of narrow twelve foot high doors, studded with
iron rondels bearing flying snake motifs."
Page 26, Chapter 3:
"Jubal showed the man a glare; he leaned back [?] a [?].
Jubal brushed him aside and entered a grand six-sided foyer.
A glance convinced him that Nai the Hever lived in
circumstances of elegance and comfort."
"Jubal brushed him aside and entered a grand six-sided
foyer. It was clear that Nai the Hever lived in
circumstances of elegance and comfort."
Page 26, Chapter 3:
"...a confection of astounding intricacy, and [?] [?] a
myriad of other details, each colour glowing with rich and
subtle fervor."
"...a confection of astounding intricacy, each colour
glowing with rich and subtle fervor."
Page 26, Chapter 3:
"A cool-faced young woman descended the stairs, a person
slender, an inch taller than ordinary..."
"A cool-faced young woman descended the stairs. She was
slender, an inch taller than ordinary..."
Page 27, Chapter 3:
"`The message, so I am informed, is urgent," said Flanish,
"and apparently must be delivered into His Excellency's hand
alone.'"
"`The message, so I am informed, is urgent,' said Flanish,
"and apparently must be delivered to His Excellency's hand
alone.'"
Page 27, Chapter 3:
"`These [?] are most tiresome.' For a moment Mieltrude
inspected Jubal; he thought he had never seen a gaze so
devoid of expression. `His Excellency has gone to the
Palace. Is the message instantly urgent?'"
"Mieltrude inspected Jubal; he thought he had never seen a
gaze so devoid of expression. `His Excellency has gone to
the Parloury. Is the message instantly urgent?'"
Page 27, Chapter 3:
"Mieltrude gave her head a petulant jerk; her hair rippled
and gleamed."
"Mieltrude gave her head a jerk of mild annoyance; her hair
rippled and showed its various colours."
Page 28, Chapter 3:
"He would pursue a career; by sheer elan he would excel..."
"He would pursue a career; by sheer personal force he would
excel..."
Page 28, Chapter 3:
"The air carried an odor of dank growth of moir, [?], tree
violet, heliotrope of a redolence [?] [?] [?] ancient wealth
and long habitation."
"The air carried an odor of dank growth: moir, tree violet,
heliotrope: a redolence somehow to be associated with
ancient wealth and long habitation."
Page 28, Chapter 3:
"`Tush, it's not all that important.'"
"`Tush, it's not important.'"
Page 29, Chapter 3:
"...with a personality much warmer and volatile than
Mieltrude's."
"...with a personality much warmer and more volatile than
Mieltrude's."
Page 29, Chapter 3:
"He found her face fascinating, the curls low over her
forehead, long eyes,..."
"He found her face fascinating, with curls low over her
forehead, long eyes,..."
Page 29, Chapter 3:
"A susceptible man, reflected Jubal, might find this face
maddening, with its mutable expressions..." [? Here follows
a few crossed out lines which I can't make out, presumably
defining Sune's mutable expressions. Among the words I can
make out are "mischievous" and "caprice."]
"A susceptible man, reflected Jubal, might find this face
maddening, with all its mutable expressions..."
Page 29, Chapter 3:
"She could not ignore Jubal quite as ostentatiously as did
Mieltrude. She gave him an occasional quick sidelong glance
which seemed to imply that, Glint or not, he had not
offended her by his presence."
"She could not ignore Jubal quite as ostentatiously as did
Mieltrude, and give him an occasional quick sidelong glance
which seemed to imply that, Glint or not, he was not
offending her by his presence."
Page 30, Chapter 3:
"Jubal jumped to the ground [?] [?] gallantly to assist
Mieltrude and Sune."
"Jubal jumped to the ground and gallantly prepared to assist
Mieltrude and Sune."
Page 31, Chapter 3:
"Arriving at the Parloury, the two girls went to a side
entrance marked with five iron emblems of the Servants: a
squat fer, a Dohobay slange, a gryphon, a four-finned fish,
a winged snake..."
"Arriving at the Parloury, the two girls went to a side
entrance marked with the five iron emblems of the Servants:
a squat fer, a Dohobay slange, a gryphon, a four-finned
fish, a two-headed winged snake..."
Page 31, Chapter 3:
"She hurried off along a passage, halted at a door, looked
back [?] [?] Jubal with an imperious jerk of the head [?]
set her pale [?] hair flying."
"She hurried off along a passage, halted at a door, urged
Jubal to haste with an imperious jerk of the head that set
her pale hair flying."
Page 34, Chapter 3:
"They paced forward, using the halting _half-step step, half-
step step_ of immemorial custom."
"They paced forward, using the interrupted _half-step step,
half-step step_ of immemorial custom."
Page 34, Chapter 3:
"The third, Ramus Ymph, stepped deliberately up on the
rostrum."
"The third, Ramus Ymph, strode deliberately up on the
rostrum."
Page 34, Chapter 3:
"The chamber was still; no sound, no scuffle of feet, no
cough or murmur disturbed the silence."
"The chamber was still; no sound, scuffle of foot, cough or
murmur disturbed the silence."
[Hmm... I actually prefer the first version in this case.]
Page 34, Chapter 3:
"The Servants sat behind their desks, expressionless as
stones..."
"The Servants sat behind their desks, blank as stones..."
Page 36, Chapter 3:
"Mieltrude sighed and made a quick fluttery gesture."
"Mieltrude sighed and made a quick fluttering gesture."
Page 37, Chapter 3:
"`What if Solutions C, D, and E, in dissolving Problem A,
produce Problems F, G, and H, to an even sharper
detriment?'"
"`What if Solutions C, D, and E, in dissolving Problem A,
produce Problems F, G, and H, to an even sharper detriment?'
asked Ambish."
Page 41, Chapter 3:
"He spoke with careful attention as to pitch and accent, as
if intoning a strophe."
"He spoke with careful attention to pitch and accent, as if
intoning a strophe."
Page 42, Chapter 3:
"The Marine Equalizer is that functionary who monitors
National activity and in case of irregularity commands the
punitive measures."
"The Marine Equalizer is that functionary who monitors
National activity and in case of transgression commands the
punitive measures."
Page 45, Chapter 3:
"Nai the Hever weighed the situation, then followed Jubal to
the side of his box."
"Nai the Hever weighed the situation, then followed Jubal to
the side of the box."